I miss her.

I've never thought that i ask for much. I don't want lots of money, heaps of shoes, too many clothes. I don't want to live forever or be the most popular girl at school.

I just want to be myself, and be accepted for that, without all the bullshit that comes along with it.
I want to be able to trust people again. To open my heart to them and tell my secrets. 

I wish that I could escape my past, I wish I could run away from the lies, the pain and the grief. But I can't, I can't change anything, and wishing isn't going to help. I'm forever going to be stuck in this emotionless, independant void, with no one but myself. I guess I wish a lot. But I'd be able to handle it if I was granted my one impossible wish.

I wish Cassie were still here.

I finally know.

So now I know. Now I know for sure that I'm on my own. That the only person I've got is me. I can't trust anyone else. I can't depend on anyone else. I can't believe anyone else. The people around me don't want me, they don't care about me, they just know me, and can barely see me.
I really am all alone.
I always knew it, but I guess it just never really hit me til now. I never felt it as much as I do now. Or understood exactly what it entailed. But now I do. Now I'm ready, I'm 100% prepared. I know they'll try to stab me in the back, they'll want to betray the trust they think they have; but I won't let them. I won't trust them, I won't give them a knife to stab me with. Because now I know, now I'm ready.
I know that I can't trust anyone except myself, and I know how to be independant.

A poem and a confession.

Like a broken shell on a beach, my pain goes unnoticed.

Like a thorn on a rose bush, no one sees me.

Like eternity, my agony doesn’t end.

My head spins, my chest hurts and I can’t breathe properly. I can feel myself spiralling into oblivion and it feel like the biggest thing in the world. But no one realises, no one notices. They just keep ignoring me, whispering about me and wanting to avoid me, and it hurts! But I feel like I can’t say anything because I’m being punished for something. I don’t know what but it seems to be important. It makes me think like I have been so often, like maybe the world would be better off without me and if I’ve done something so bad that I have to pay for it like this it would be, wouldn’t it?

Just Myself, Not Everyone Else

People keep acting as if they know me. As if they’ve bothered to get to know me. And that now they know what I need, know how my life should go. Everyone keeps smothering me, thinking that they understand it all. They say their my friend or that they love me, and tell me what they think I should do. But why does no one ever ask me what I want, what I think I should do, how I what to live my life. Why is it that my life has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with everyone else?

Just once I want to know what it’s like to live my life as myself and not everyone around me.

Alone??

Today has been ok I guess. But people still think they know me. They think they know what's best for me, and they don't! They know nothing about me. Who I consider my best friend, what my favourite food is, why I dress how I dress, why I act how I act, or anything about my history. Anything at all about my history. They know nothing but act like they have all the answers. I gave up trusting people a long time ago and its a good thing to. But I've found I can be friends with a person without trusting someone. But its getting harder. I know I don't need anyone else. Its always just been me. But the friendship thing is so much more difficult. I wonder if I should just be alone....forever.

Together but alone

How is it that in a room full of people I can feel completely alone? There are people beside me and in front of me and behind me, there are people who like me, people who hate me and yet others who don't even notice me. But no one sees underneath the exterior. No one sees past the solid, unfeeling, heartless person they see at first glance. They only want to tell me how to live my life. What I should do, how i should act, what I should wear, what I should know.
Who I should become. Why can't people accept anything about me? Why doesn't anyone want to see anything other than the exterior? I've made some bad choices, gotten involved with the wrong people, but I do care, I do feel.
I am human.
Why is that so hard to see?