But Today.

I haven't written in so long. For me that's a good thing, it means everythings been good, I've survived. I have people now, friends back, a life again. I'm living as a person, not a shadow. I'm enjoying things. Beckoning to the world. I'm finally recovering. But today.

Everyone's mother yells at them. Everyone's mother gets mad at them. But not everyone's mother hates them. My mother yelled at me today, she got mad. Okay, that's not news. But I've heard some of the things she said about me when I'm not around. She's supposed to be the one person in the world who would NEVER do something like that. The one person who would ALWAYS be there. Who'd always help. The one person who'd love me unconditionally. And she's not any of those things. How do I deal with that? How do I deal with a mother who looks at me with hatred and can't stand the thought of me? Do I leave; runaway? Do I end everything? Or do I stay, protect my sister, and hate myself everyday? I really don't know how someone makes that kind of choice. How someone can live with something like that. I don't know if I'm strong enough for it. And I don't know if I want to be.

I don't know why I write these things here, where people may see. Maybe I'm looking for someone. Someone with answers. I don't know. So how do I find out?

20/05/2011

This week has been really weird. I don’t know how to explain it, but, it’s been almost, good?! Stuff about my life is never good! Not since Cassie and Camille. Ok, ,I guess that’s a bit much. It wasn’t to bad during 7 and 8. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t deal with the stuff that was happening, but I had other people to help. And then, yr 9. I cannot possibly describe how hard that was. It was like everything I depended upon had suddenly disappeared almost overnight and it just kept getting worse and worse. Everything so confusing, you know? Darla was there for me but she wasn’t physically here, you know? All of a sudden I actually had to THINK about how I felt, I had to acknowledge my guilt, about both of them, and I actually had to think about it. I used to only see their faces in my dreams, but, then all of a sudden I saw them everywhere. I just couldn’t escape them. I thought I was going to go insane. Hence the depression, I wouldn’t have even realised I had it if it wasn’t for Darla. But that’s irrelevant. I was seeing them too much and not being able to deal with their death the whole time. And it’s been happening for so long. It got better when Darla came back, and with Jace. But then even they left. And I became even more alone. But then, this week; I don’t know. It just got so much better. I’ve been seeing them a little less. I’ve been laughing and smiling for real. People who I thought hated me, specifically tried to talk to me. Does this mean everything’s changing? Does it mean I’m finally going to be happy?!

What do I do now?

So it turns out dancing is almost as effective as boxing. I can seriously work off all my pent up anger. And it doesn't have to be actual dancing. It can just be jumping around like a lunatic, that works too. But I still can't get over this whole selfish, all about me thing?! I'm trying to think of times when I'm like that but I just can't. I really don't know when. I try and put other people first and I do it all the time. But apparently I'm not and I have no idea what to make of it. D said it was nothing but I'm a completely different person around her. So is it possible that I'm a selfish bitch?? And how do I stop?! Will I ever even be able to comprehend how?! I'm really confused again.

I'm going to miss Darla and Jace so much. I honestly don't know what I'll do without them. Darla's like my sister and .... I think I love Jace. I never even thought about it before, I always just thought that I thought of him as Darla's brother. But I don't know, maybe I didn't. But now what am I going to do without him? I might never see him again. And Darla; I'm going to be dead, set, lost without her. She's been here with me always, through everything, Casey, my parents, Tyler; what am I supposed to do without her? Who am I supposed to talk to? Who's going to listen to me without judging me?

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???!!!!

What to do.

It's happening again. And again I don't know how to stop it. What is it about me that no one believes?? I tell the truth, alway. and still no one will believe me. What am I supposed to do about it? I know I've said to myself sooo many times, just move, but it's harder than I thought it would be and now I find out that it's possible that my best friend and my boyfriend might be moving to perth!! I have nooo idea what to do.

Broken?

I'm writing this in work ed. It's a strange class but I don't really notice it. I don't really notice anything anymore. I'm just numb. Hollowed out. It's as though I don't exist, my body's here, and my mind but everything else is just....gone. There's no emotion, no hobbies or eccentrics, just a body and a mind. I'm not a person I'm just a shell that moves. I don't want to be like that. And I've tried to fix it but, I can't. How do I make myself into something again if I honestly don't care about anything anymore.
It's my birthday on Saturday, I guess I'll get presents, but the thing is, I couldn't care less!! What kind of 14/15 year old couldn't care less about presents. What wrong with me?

Am I broken?

I'm the liar?!

I haven't written in a while. I haven't thought I needed to. Everything was going pretty well, or at least I thought it was. I wonder if I'll ever stop being in so naive?! If I'll ever learn?! Or if I'll be forced to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. They were saying they hated me, and then they said that everyone else hated me. But when I FINALLY, EVENTUALLY said something she denied it. Said they'd never said they hated me! Bullshit in my opinion! I know they said it. I didn't 'hear' it from someone I was there. And then they go on about MY lies, which were just accidents or stupid mistakes, they weren't lies, I just didn't know what they were talking about! And then they say they have a problem with my "moods". But I don't have moods I was just trying to figure out whether to apologize or tell them to fuck the hell off!!! The first time I decided to just pretend it never happened, the second time I apologized but if it happens again I'm gonna tell them to fuck off!! They talk about my moods?! Well I've lost count of how many times they've been in a shit mood and who was it that helped them?! That'd be me! And this is where helping people gets me into another pit. I'm tired of it.

I'm just tired.

Lying and Listening

I'm losing my grip. On my emotions, thoughts, etc. I've kept everything bottled up for so long. Only telling people the bare minimum. Only letting them in on what they need to know, or what I want them to know. Letting them THINK they were forcing it out of me, when really I was always going to let them know. I was always going to give them this tiny, tiny, tiny, little, bit of informaton. Convincing everyone that I was a terrible liar so that they'd never know when I was actually lying. So that I could keep things to myself, like I always have. But then when I actually did speak out tell anyone what was going on, they wouldn't hear me, they wouldn't listen. 

I've tried to say what's on my mind, but I'm not at home in my own home. And I can't move on. No one sees the pain I'm in. No one hears the pain I'm in. Just like no one reads this. I knew they wouldn't to. I've been trying to find myself. But its not that simple. I'm so lost. Its like I'm buried in this deep pit, no one knows I'm there, no one hears me crying out, and I'm not strong enough to pull myself out. 

...I just can't....

Negative

I'm starting to figure out my problem. Starting to get why everything is affecting me like this. It's my fairytale complex. I have this constant perfect life fantasy in the back of my mind. I keep expecting the world to be positive and the way it is in my imagination. But that's so stupid. The world is a piece of crap. And the sooner I accept it the happier I'll be. But how do I turn my back on the one thing that's kept me going when no one else is there.