Finally me,

These holidays have been so confusing. In some ways no where near as painful, and in others more so. So much has changed and so much hasn't I'm finally kinda coming to terms with some stuff that I buried pretty deep and it's sort of helping me remember myself. Yeah, I know it sounds corny but it's so true. I'd forgotten so much because of all the pressure everyone's been putting on me, pressure to be the perfect friend, the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect sportsperson, just perfect. And I really couldn't do it, hell I really can't do it. I'm starting to remember things like the fact I never used to take any crap from anybody, or that I always knew what I wanted, I could care of myself. But I soooo learnt my lesson. I've got me and that's it, just me. There's no other living person on my side. I know I kept saying I didn't trust anyone but who was I kidding? I was lying to myself, I'd begun to trust again, and it totally backfired. I hope it'll stop me making the same mistake but I just don't know. I really don't. But it do know I'm going to do everything I can to try and figure myself out again. I found this gorgeous secluded spot by browns lagoon, it's perfect no one would go in there. Girls wouldn't because they'd think it was gross and guys just wouldn't be interested, so it's all mine, I'll be able to think and meditate and finally decide or realise exactly who I am.

....Finally....

Breaking down and then Deciding.

Well I've recovered from my breakdown yesterday. Well mentally and emotionally I have at least. Physically I'm still kinda suffering from my scitz attack. I have no idea what set me off....okay that's a lie. I know what it was. It was my parents trying to rule my life and my personality etc, again. It just made me lose it. I started yelling at nothing and crying. I couldn't stop crying. and the pain, my chest hurt and then I started vomiting blood. I was awful. But in my head, it was suffocating, I don't think I can possibly explain it in a way that would make anyone truly understand. It was absolutely awful. I can't do it anymore. It's time to live my life the way I want to live it. No more mucking around.

I've made my desicion.

Darla

Well, its finally holidays. I can finally stop having my life ruined by the people who call themselves my friends. I can stop being ignored, or forgotten or any of the other stuff I had to put up with. I think I'm going to spend the whole time with Darla. I don't want to see anyone from school mostly because they don't want to see me. But at least I still have Darla. I've even gotten to the point where I almost trust her. I know that she already trusts me. She's kind of, well trusting for lack of a better term. But she's the only thing that's kept me going this year. The only one who didn't walk out on me with everyone else. She knows almost everything about me. She's my best friend. I really don't know where I'd be without her. But what am I going to do next year?? She might be moving! And I'll have to go back to school. I don't know if I can handle this for another year. I don't know if I can possibly be okay. And I don't know what to do. When did that happen??

Learning

I can't understand any of it. Not a single thing. Why is it that I feel as though I've lived a thousand years and they've only lived for a decade. As though it's impossible for me to relate to them. Not because I'm so much smarter or because I know so much more. Just because I've seen, and experienced so much more. They don't know a thing about death or judgement. About sacrifice or hardship. They've only seen the surface of the world. The good and the not so great. But I've seen so much more. More death and suffering and pain. They don't know the meaning of the words.

I've seen friends kill themselves, seen them die, seen them struggle and seen them trust the wrong people. I've learnt from their mistakes. Learnt to close myself off from other people. From the world. But they don't see that. They don't see any of it. They just see the girl who doesn't cry, who doesn't feel and who laughs at pain. A heartless monster who they find themselves unable to do anything but hate. And it's not fair. It's just not fair! I can't keep a friend.

I'm so alone.

A song that I wrote.

Burden that is Me

I look up and see,

The stars shining above me.

And I think to myself,

How do I let you know?

How much you’ve hurt me so?

Do I tell you about?

The times I’ve cried myself to sleep?

Do I convey to you,

The pain you’ve, put me through.

Or do I keep with tradition,

And take it all quietly?

Minimal hassle and stress for you,

And for me it’s just, another wound.

To add to the list,

To prove how much I,

Wouldn’t be missed.

Maybe I should just go,

Maybe I should just leave.

You say you’re friends with me,

But I just don’t believe.

So I’ll just be on my way,

I’ll be leaving here today.

And you can carry on your lives,

Without the burden that is me.

If I look to the sky,

The sun shines, in my eyes,

And it kills my sight.

But I can’t look at you,

‘Cause I’m in even more pain if I do.

Is this my punishment?

Is this the life I’m, destined to live?

Always confused,

And never knowing what to do.

Not knowing who to trust,

Or who to fight.

Unable to breathe,

Heart squeezing, way to tight.

So I’ll just add it to the list,

To prove how much I,

Wouldn’t be missed.

Maybe I should just go,

Maybe I should just leave.

You say that your friends with me,

But I just don’t believe.

So I’ll just be on my way,

I’ll be leaving here today.

And you can carry on your lives,

Without the burden that is me.

Why do I get treated like this?

Why do I get, sucked into this abyss?

Why do I, wallow in despair?

Why do I, feel like tearing out my hair?

Will I ever feel better than now?

Will I ever cure my unhappiness somehow?

Will I ever forget the foul looks?

Will I ever get fantasy in anything other than books?

No, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Somebody tell me cause I really do care!

So I’ll just add it to the list,

To prove how much I,

Wouldn’t be missed,

Maybe I should just go,

Maybe I should just leave.

You say that your friends with me,

But I just don’t believe.

So I’ll just be on my way,

I’ll be leaving here today.

And you can carry on your lives,

Without the burden that is me.

Mmmmhhh,

Without the burden,

Without the burden,

That is me.

Should I Disappear??

It seems I'm going to have to make a decision. It's a choice that will effect the rest of my life and the choice is very hard to make.
Do I stay or do I go??
And I don't just mean borading school or another school, or town. I mean go -- for good.
No coming back, no visiting. I mean I physically wouldn't be able to, there's no such thing as ghosts.
Or do I stay and try to deal with this bullshit?? I know no one would miss me. They've proved that. They have another Mary who seems to be the only person they think about. Other than their best friends of course. And I'm no ones best friend am I. Every time I think I've found a best friend I realise that's bullshit and their besties with someone else. Someone who isn't me. And it ALWAYS ends that way. I know I could disappear. I've figured out a pretty painless way to do it. An easy way. You see I buy these sleeping pills cause I physically can't get to sleep, ever. And I need them to sleep. I'm sure that a couple of packets would work. Wouldn't they??

I miss her.

I've never thought that i ask for much. I don't want lots of money, heaps of shoes, too many clothes. I don't want to live forever or be the most popular girl at school.

I just want to be myself, and be accepted for that, without all the bullshit that comes along with it.
I want to be able to trust people again. To open my heart to them and tell my secrets. 

I wish that I could escape my past, I wish I could run away from the lies, the pain and the grief. But I can't, I can't change anything, and wishing isn't going to help. I'm forever going to be stuck in this emotionless, independant void, with no one but myself. I guess I wish a lot. But I'd be able to handle it if I was granted my one impossible wish.

I wish Cassie were still here.

I finally know.

So now I know. Now I know for sure that I'm on my own. That the only person I've got is me. I can't trust anyone else. I can't depend on anyone else. I can't believe anyone else. The people around me don't want me, they don't care about me, they just know me, and can barely see me.
I really am all alone.
I always knew it, but I guess it just never really hit me til now. I never felt it as much as I do now. Or understood exactly what it entailed. But now I do. Now I'm ready, I'm 100% prepared. I know they'll try to stab me in the back, they'll want to betray the trust they think they have; but I won't let them. I won't trust them, I won't give them a knife to stab me with. Because now I know, now I'm ready.
I know that I can't trust anyone except myself, and I know how to be independant.

A poem and a confession.

Like a broken shell on a beach, my pain goes unnoticed.

Like a thorn on a rose bush, no one sees me.

Like eternity, my agony doesn’t end.

My head spins, my chest hurts and I can’t breathe properly. I can feel myself spiralling into oblivion and it feel like the biggest thing in the world. But no one realises, no one notices. They just keep ignoring me, whispering about me and wanting to avoid me, and it hurts! But I feel like I can’t say anything because I’m being punished for something. I don’t know what but it seems to be important. It makes me think like I have been so often, like maybe the world would be better off without me and if I’ve done something so bad that I have to pay for it like this it would be, wouldn’t it?

Just Myself, Not Everyone Else

People keep acting as if they know me. As if they’ve bothered to get to know me. And that now they know what I need, know how my life should go. Everyone keeps smothering me, thinking that they understand it all. They say their my friend or that they love me, and tell me what they think I should do. But why does no one ever ask me what I want, what I think I should do, how I what to live my life. Why is it that my life has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with everyone else?

Just once I want to know what it’s like to live my life as myself and not everyone around me.

Alone??

Today has been ok I guess. But people still think they know me. They think they know what's best for me, and they don't! They know nothing about me. Who I consider my best friend, what my favourite food is, why I dress how I dress, why I act how I act, or anything about my history. Anything at all about my history. They know nothing but act like they have all the answers. I gave up trusting people a long time ago and its a good thing to. But I've found I can be friends with a person without trusting someone. But its getting harder. I know I don't need anyone else. Its always just been me. But the friendship thing is so much more difficult. I wonder if I should just be alone....forever.

Together but alone

How is it that in a room full of people I can feel completely alone? There are people beside me and in front of me and behind me, there are people who like me, people who hate me and yet others who don't even notice me. But no one sees underneath the exterior. No one sees past the solid, unfeeling, heartless person they see at first glance. They only want to tell me how to live my life. What I should do, how i should act, what I should wear, what I should know.
Who I should become. Why can't people accept anything about me? Why doesn't anyone want to see anything other than the exterior? I've made some bad choices, gotten involved with the wrong people, but I do care, I do feel.
I am human.
Why is that so hard to see?

am i really that different

why does everyone look at me and talk to me and then asume i dont feel anything?? that i have a black heart?? or that im souless??
im not!! i feel MORE than most people, im just better at hiding it. does that really mean im such an awful person?? does that really make me so different??

The Nothing People

They do not lie;
       they just neglect to tell the truth.
They do not take;
       they simply cannot bring themselves to give.
They do not steal;
       they scavenge.
They will not rock the boat;
       but did you ever see them pull an oar!
They will not pull you down;
       they'll simply let you pull them up and let that pull you down.
They do not hurt you;
       they merely will not help you.
They do not hate you;
       they merely cannot love you.

They do not burn you;

They just fiddle while you burn.
They are the nothing people:
       the sins-of-omission people
       the neither-good-nor-bad
       and-therefore-worse.
Because the good, at least keep busy trying
       and the bad try just as hard.
Both have that character
       that comes from caring, action and conviction.
So give me every time
       an honest sinner, or even a saint.
But, God and Satan, get together
       and protect me from the nothing people.     
I am NOT a nothing person.