But Today.

I haven't written in so long. For me that's a good thing, it means everythings been good, I've survived. I have people now, friends back, a life again. I'm living as a person, not a shadow. I'm enjoying things. Beckoning to the world. I'm finally recovering. But today.

Everyone's mother yells at them. Everyone's mother gets mad at them. But not everyone's mother hates them. My mother yelled at me today, she got mad. Okay, that's not news. But I've heard some of the things she said about me when I'm not around. She's supposed to be the one person in the world who would NEVER do something like that. The one person who would ALWAYS be there. Who'd always help. The one person who'd love me unconditionally. And she's not any of those things. How do I deal with that? How do I deal with a mother who looks at me with hatred and can't stand the thought of me? Do I leave; runaway? Do I end everything? Or do I stay, protect my sister, and hate myself everyday? I really don't know how someone makes that kind of choice. How someone can live with something like that. I don't know if I'm strong enough for it. And I don't know if I want to be.

I don't know why I write these things here, where people may see. Maybe I'm looking for someone. Someone with answers. I don't know. So how do I find out?

20/05/2011

This week has been really weird. I don’t know how to explain it, but, it’s been almost, good?! Stuff about my life is never good! Not since Cassie and Camille. Ok, ,I guess that’s a bit much. It wasn’t to bad during 7 and 8. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t deal with the stuff that was happening, but I had other people to help. And then, yr 9. I cannot possibly describe how hard that was. It was like everything I depended upon had suddenly disappeared almost overnight and it just kept getting worse and worse. Everything so confusing, you know? Darla was there for me but she wasn’t physically here, you know? All of a sudden I actually had to THINK about how I felt, I had to acknowledge my guilt, about both of them, and I actually had to think about it. I used to only see their faces in my dreams, but, then all of a sudden I saw them everywhere. I just couldn’t escape them. I thought I was going to go insane. Hence the depression, I wouldn’t have even realised I had it if it wasn’t for Darla. But that’s irrelevant. I was seeing them too much and not being able to deal with their death the whole time. And it’s been happening for so long. It got better when Darla came back, and with Jace. But then even they left. And I became even more alone. But then, this week; I don’t know. It just got so much better. I’ve been seeing them a little less. I’ve been laughing and smiling for real. People who I thought hated me, specifically tried to talk to me. Does this mean everything’s changing? Does it mean I’m finally going to be happy?!

What do I do now?

So it turns out dancing is almost as effective as boxing. I can seriously work off all my pent up anger. And it doesn't have to be actual dancing. It can just be jumping around like a lunatic, that works too. But I still can't get over this whole selfish, all about me thing?! I'm trying to think of times when I'm like that but I just can't. I really don't know when. I try and put other people first and I do it all the time. But apparently I'm not and I have no idea what to make of it. D said it was nothing but I'm a completely different person around her. So is it possible that I'm a selfish bitch?? And how do I stop?! Will I ever even be able to comprehend how?! I'm really confused again.

I'm going to miss Darla and Jace so much. I honestly don't know what I'll do without them. Darla's like my sister and .... I think I love Jace. I never even thought about it before, I always just thought that I thought of him as Darla's brother. But I don't know, maybe I didn't. But now what am I going to do without him? I might never see him again. And Darla; I'm going to be dead, set, lost without her. She's been here with me always, through everything, Casey, my parents, Tyler; what am I supposed to do without her? Who am I supposed to talk to? Who's going to listen to me without judging me?

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???!!!!

What to do.

It's happening again. And again I don't know how to stop it. What is it about me that no one believes?? I tell the truth, alway. and still no one will believe me. What am I supposed to do about it? I know I've said to myself sooo many times, just move, but it's harder than I thought it would be and now I find out that it's possible that my best friend and my boyfriend might be moving to perth!! I have nooo idea what to do.

Broken?

I'm writing this in work ed. It's a strange class but I don't really notice it. I don't really notice anything anymore. I'm just numb. Hollowed out. It's as though I don't exist, my body's here, and my mind but everything else is just....gone. There's no emotion, no hobbies or eccentrics, just a body and a mind. I'm not a person I'm just a shell that moves. I don't want to be like that. And I've tried to fix it but, I can't. How do I make myself into something again if I honestly don't care about anything anymore.
It's my birthday on Saturday, I guess I'll get presents, but the thing is, I couldn't care less!! What kind of 14/15 year old couldn't care less about presents. What wrong with me?

Am I broken?

I'm the liar?!

I haven't written in a while. I haven't thought I needed to. Everything was going pretty well, or at least I thought it was. I wonder if I'll ever stop being in so naive?! If I'll ever learn?! Or if I'll be forced to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. They were saying they hated me, and then they said that everyone else hated me. But when I FINALLY, EVENTUALLY said something she denied it. Said they'd never said they hated me! Bullshit in my opinion! I know they said it. I didn't 'hear' it from someone I was there. And then they go on about MY lies, which were just accidents or stupid mistakes, they weren't lies, I just didn't know what they were talking about! And then they say they have a problem with my "moods". But I don't have moods I was just trying to figure out whether to apologize or tell them to fuck the hell off!!! The first time I decided to just pretend it never happened, the second time I apologized but if it happens again I'm gonna tell them to fuck off!! They talk about my moods?! Well I've lost count of how many times they've been in a shit mood and who was it that helped them?! That'd be me! And this is where helping people gets me into another pit. I'm tired of it.

I'm just tired.

Lying and Listening

I'm losing my grip. On my emotions, thoughts, etc. I've kept everything bottled up for so long. Only telling people the bare minimum. Only letting them in on what they need to know, or what I want them to know. Letting them THINK they were forcing it out of me, when really I was always going to let them know. I was always going to give them this tiny, tiny, tiny, little, bit of informaton. Convincing everyone that I was a terrible liar so that they'd never know when I was actually lying. So that I could keep things to myself, like I always have. But then when I actually did speak out tell anyone what was going on, they wouldn't hear me, they wouldn't listen. 

I've tried to say what's on my mind, but I'm not at home in my own home. And I can't move on. No one sees the pain I'm in. No one hears the pain I'm in. Just like no one reads this. I knew they wouldn't to. I've been trying to find myself. But its not that simple. I'm so lost. Its like I'm buried in this deep pit, no one knows I'm there, no one hears me crying out, and I'm not strong enough to pull myself out. 

...I just can't....

Negative

I'm starting to figure out my problem. Starting to get why everything is affecting me like this. It's my fairytale complex. I have this constant perfect life fantasy in the back of my mind. I keep expecting the world to be positive and the way it is in my imagination. But that's so stupid. The world is a piece of crap. And the sooner I accept it the happier I'll be. But how do I turn my back on the one thing that's kept me going when no one else is there.

Finally me,

These holidays have been so confusing. In some ways no where near as painful, and in others more so. So much has changed and so much hasn't I'm finally kinda coming to terms with some stuff that I buried pretty deep and it's sort of helping me remember myself. Yeah, I know it sounds corny but it's so true. I'd forgotten so much because of all the pressure everyone's been putting on me, pressure to be the perfect friend, the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect sportsperson, just perfect. And I really couldn't do it, hell I really can't do it. I'm starting to remember things like the fact I never used to take any crap from anybody, or that I always knew what I wanted, I could care of myself. But I soooo learnt my lesson. I've got me and that's it, just me. There's no other living person on my side. I know I kept saying I didn't trust anyone but who was I kidding? I was lying to myself, I'd begun to trust again, and it totally backfired. I hope it'll stop me making the same mistake but I just don't know. I really don't. But it do know I'm going to do everything I can to try and figure myself out again. I found this gorgeous secluded spot by browns lagoon, it's perfect no one would go in there. Girls wouldn't because they'd think it was gross and guys just wouldn't be interested, so it's all mine, I'll be able to think and meditate and finally decide or realise exactly who I am.

....Finally....

Breaking down and then Deciding.

Well I've recovered from my breakdown yesterday. Well mentally and emotionally I have at least. Physically I'm still kinda suffering from my scitz attack. I have no idea what set me off....okay that's a lie. I know what it was. It was my parents trying to rule my life and my personality etc, again. It just made me lose it. I started yelling at nothing and crying. I couldn't stop crying. and the pain, my chest hurt and then I started vomiting blood. I was awful. But in my head, it was suffocating, I don't think I can possibly explain it in a way that would make anyone truly understand. It was absolutely awful. I can't do it anymore. It's time to live my life the way I want to live it. No more mucking around.

I've made my desicion.

Darla

Well, its finally holidays. I can finally stop having my life ruined by the people who call themselves my friends. I can stop being ignored, or forgotten or any of the other stuff I had to put up with. I think I'm going to spend the whole time with Darla. I don't want to see anyone from school mostly because they don't want to see me. But at least I still have Darla. I've even gotten to the point where I almost trust her. I know that she already trusts me. She's kind of, well trusting for lack of a better term. But she's the only thing that's kept me going this year. The only one who didn't walk out on me with everyone else. She knows almost everything about me. She's my best friend. I really don't know where I'd be without her. But what am I going to do next year?? She might be moving! And I'll have to go back to school. I don't know if I can handle this for another year. I don't know if I can possibly be okay. And I don't know what to do. When did that happen??

Learning

I can't understand any of it. Not a single thing. Why is it that I feel as though I've lived a thousand years and they've only lived for a decade. As though it's impossible for me to relate to them. Not because I'm so much smarter or because I know so much more. Just because I've seen, and experienced so much more. They don't know a thing about death or judgement. About sacrifice or hardship. They've only seen the surface of the world. The good and the not so great. But I've seen so much more. More death and suffering and pain. They don't know the meaning of the words.

I've seen friends kill themselves, seen them die, seen them struggle and seen them trust the wrong people. I've learnt from their mistakes. Learnt to close myself off from other people. From the world. But they don't see that. They don't see any of it. They just see the girl who doesn't cry, who doesn't feel and who laughs at pain. A heartless monster who they find themselves unable to do anything but hate. And it's not fair. It's just not fair! I can't keep a friend.

I'm so alone.

A song that I wrote.

Burden that is Me

I look up and see,

The stars shining above me.

And I think to myself,

How do I let you know?

How much you’ve hurt me so?

Do I tell you about?

The times I’ve cried myself to sleep?

Do I convey to you,

The pain you’ve, put me through.

Or do I keep with tradition,

And take it all quietly?

Minimal hassle and stress for you,

And for me it’s just, another wound.

To add to the list,

To prove how much I,

Wouldn’t be missed.

Maybe I should just go,

Maybe I should just leave.

You say you’re friends with me,

But I just don’t believe.

So I’ll just be on my way,

I’ll be leaving here today.

And you can carry on your lives,

Without the burden that is me.

If I look to the sky,

The sun shines, in my eyes,

And it kills my sight.

But I can’t look at you,

‘Cause I’m in even more pain if I do.

Is this my punishment?

Is this the life I’m, destined to live?

Always confused,

And never knowing what to do.

Not knowing who to trust,

Or who to fight.

Unable to breathe,

Heart squeezing, way to tight.

So I’ll just add it to the list,

To prove how much I,

Wouldn’t be missed.

Maybe I should just go,

Maybe I should just leave.

You say that your friends with me,

But I just don’t believe.

So I’ll just be on my way,

I’ll be leaving here today.

And you can carry on your lives,

Without the burden that is me.

Why do I get treated like this?

Why do I get, sucked into this abyss?

Why do I, wallow in despair?

Why do I, feel like tearing out my hair?

Will I ever feel better than now?

Will I ever cure my unhappiness somehow?

Will I ever forget the foul looks?

Will I ever get fantasy in anything other than books?

No, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Somebody tell me cause I really do care!

So I’ll just add it to the list,

To prove how much I,

Wouldn’t be missed,

Maybe I should just go,

Maybe I should just leave.

You say that your friends with me,

But I just don’t believe.

So I’ll just be on my way,

I’ll be leaving here today.

And you can carry on your lives,

Without the burden that is me.

Mmmmhhh,

Without the burden,

Without the burden,

That is me.